New Year’s Eve 2001 in Melbourne

Editor’s Note: the events below took place in the bar in the “Portland Hotel,” which is situated on the corner of Little Collins Street and Russell Street. It was formerly known as the “Arizona Bar.”

New Year’s Eve was, again, another “interesting” experience for me this year. Why is it that I attract “nasty” women on New Years’ Eves?

Actually, she wasn’t nasty in the sense of last year, who was horrid, but NYE01 attracted an… interesting lady. Chich, Retro and myself went to a newish bar, which it turned out to be an 80’s theme night. Rhetro music, which in all honesty, is a little bit early for me. I could remember only about half of the songs.

Anyway, her friend comes up to us and says, “Hey… three single guys, come and dance with us three single girls.” Hmmm, I ponder. Rhetro is pratically married to his Contiki girl in London, Chich is Chich (she will need to be naked in front of him before he realises she is keen for some romance). Quickly I reply, “Maybe a bit later, it is a little too early.” I admit that is a bad line, bad under the circumstances, it did the trick. For the next half hour, they were constantly looking at us, smiling and pointing at us. I decided I would make the move at about 11.50pm. That gave me enough time to pick the girl I preferred, chat with her, pash her at midnight, dance a little bit after, then if things worked out, leave.


She came over to our table at about that time. She was playing my game! We chatted, Chich had quite a bit in common with her. She had just returned from Japan, where she works as a computer programer (Australian girl too).

Anyway, Rhetro being married, didn’t want a bar of it. Chich was talking to the other girl worth talking to of the group. Her name is Kate. I was talking to Gail. The girls were clearly older. This can be a good thing.  Some experience perhaps? Can also be a turn off too. They were both 36/37 years of age. Anyway, the pash thing didn’t happen at midnight, just intimate embraces and kisses on the lips.

When they asked how old we were, Master Chich replies honestly. That threw them. They abruptly left. Idiot – those situations always call for a stretch of the truth – or simply, an absolut lie. But, I guess after their group discussions, they decided we were the ones, regardless.

Gail and I had quite a bit in common. Similar interests, etc. etc. None of the girls were stunning on the eyes, however this is never a prerequisite in my book. It appears so with Chich.

Rhetro decided to do a runner and bolt unannounced. He slipped quietly into the night with my permission.

Anyway, I had some Contiki girls ringing me wanting to catch up at another bar/club called DeBiers. I confided in them with my situation, and asked for guidance as to what they would do in a similar situation. A uniform response was, “Sex beats DeBiers.” They would call back in half an hour to get an update.

So, I went to work – clearly Chich was failing in this department. He had just argued with Kate, who stormed off. What was the argument about? No, not religion (NYE00???) but of all things… PALESTINE. Yes, that’s right, Palestine. The war/fighting. What the… ?????

Eventually, they spoke again, but only in the company of Gail and I.

I think it was patched up, but nothing romantically.

So, back to me getting back to work. I was out dancing with Gail, and I had to test the waters. We had been talking about different bars we had been to. She used to go to a bar, which I had been to, but under a different name. I informed her that its new name is “G Spot.” She quivered in near embarrassment when I said that. So with that in mind, I thought hmmm, maybe she is a little naive perhaps – no surely not? I told her I was shy in an attempt to charm her, and she admitted she was too, which I was beginning to believe. So, during the dancing part, I began dancing with some intimacy. You know the style, close, not errotic, but perhaps flirtingly, with some suggestion. I was merely “testing the waters.” It was in no way overpowering, but merely flirting. She froze. As if to say “Oh my God…” I wonder why this is happening. She seemed to be enjoying the attention, but just unsure of what would normally occur next. A girl of 36 surely would be aware of what was happening/about to happen.

At this point I was assessing the situation. Chich was not dancing. Kate was not intimate with him. He wanted more beer! I asked Gail where she lived. The response was one that was somewhat inviting to come back, and the cell phone rang again. I felt uncomfortable with this girl. She was completely unsure of what she wanted. Chich was no chance (in my opinion – particularly after the Palestine incident). My decision: party on with the Contiki girls – after consultation with them.

I informed Chich of my  decision. He was 100% behind me. I said, “Chich, remember how I ‘split up’ with that girl at the Irish Oak in Chicago, possibly breaking her heart? Well, it’s about to happen again! Watch and learn!!!!!”

(Note: breaking of the heart is perhaps a bit over the top for the describing the situation at the Oak, but it sounds good, and relays the emotions of the moment).

Boldly and upfront, I told them, we were leaving. Thanks for a great night, but I am leaving. And at that point, gave Gail another kiss, turned and left. She was asking why we had to leave, as she was somewhat perplexed by the apparent reversal of intentions. But my gut feeling was that it was going to end in grief, issues and drama. She was clearly uncertain in what she wanted. I then left with Chich. We went to the bathrooms for some “relief on the seal” then left to catch up with the other contiki girls. As we were leaving, I planted another kiss on Kate, who was clearly puzzled by our about-turn in intentions and moods.

Then, we partied on with Loretta and Louisa. They had been on a booze crusie for the new year celebrations. One was clearly toasted.

I am in no doubt I made the right decision. The “chemistry” just wasn’t there. It was more confusion on Gail’s behalf and her intentions. And Chich on about Palestine wrecked that possibility too.

So, more drinks, dancing (not by Chich), and general fun/fantastic/cool times were had.  Finally, we got home at about 5.00am, and all was good.

Could have, but she scared me a bit, so we didn’t.

Why do I attract nasty women on New Years’ Eves?

– written by Mad Dog

A Rebuttal
Okay, firstly, “pyscho girl” as I dubbed her brought up the Palestine thing. I merely prodded her, and found out she has ties to the PLO, Taliban and IRA. Yes, she is a busy girl. That’s all! She went off a bit, I remained calm, then she took off after a while. I can’t remember if we changed the topic. But I was walking past her and said, “Oh, you’re coming back? You’re not going to stab me in the throat are you?” She said of course not, and we chatted for an hour or so once I removed the contents of my full bladder!

Wingman! Dude, I did not shoot my lead plan’s tail fin off!!! He went in solo. Mate, he was batting by himself, and I was working on her partner (cricket references), so please take back your beeyotch slap. And ages, who gives a shit if they knew how old we were, they were still keen for some loving!

I just had to clarify those facts as I think Woofy may have twisted the facts. But the way, that boy was home and hosed! Dude, he ran, and believe me, he ran, when he did his move and she didn’t melt like butter on a summer’s day.